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AI summary of my morning pages 9.26
You reflected on a Friday that felt cursed from the jump: the bus missed you, the city felt over-policed, and you lost New York’s perfect sunset to a movie you liked but still resented missing. Then the oversold, deafening music night and the performative, controlling energy around you made you realize you’re done over-giving grace to people and spaces that drain you.
We both hurt each other at different points in time. I don't think you are a bad person. We had loads of chemistry but very little long term compatibility.
An excerpt from my morning pages today: It is refreshing to love someone. It is refreshing to have a new friend you really care about. It is a boost of life to share meals with someone you can cuddle next to afterwards. A breath of fresh air. That it was and it served its purpose. This heavy full moon can hold all those feelings I had in the past. It can hold all those wishes and struggles and force we put into making it work. It wasn't supposed to work. We met during a Venus and Mercury Retrograde. It wasn't supposed to last it was supposed to teach mutual lessons. It succeeded.
Thank you Jordan
I’m at a place where I can say thank you and feel gratitude for our karmic partnership. We brought out so much in each other and although it wasn’t meant to be forever it served its purpose I think. I need to channel my creative sexual erotic force into making. Making music and art and seeing the things I know are real. Making the sounds exist!!! You were always very supportive of that and I’m thankful. I pulled these cards with my friends in this order Queen of Wands The Lovers King of Swords Obviously I have been thinking about you, feeling through this necessary separation. Getting much better each day. I am the Queen of Wands. Using my mind, body, spiritual intellect and earth magic to make things happen. The lovers on this card are separate but they face each other. We are not one body we are two separate souls and entities. Off to our own thrones. King of Swords, authoritative and regal. No one can contest his right for his seat. I always ...
More breakup music: Unnatural Funk Band - Living in the Past
This was sampled by Navy Blue I think. I am such an old soul for listening to these 60s tracks for healing. I'm no longer angry. I am just mourning. I can never hold you in my arms again. I can never kiss your face. I can never wake up to you or fall asleep to you. I can't have you. I'm living in the past of these moments in love. "Living in the past is against what you present. Oh baby, live for now"
More breakup music. The Monzas - Where is the Love (1966)
Where is the love that I felt for you So long ago? I don't know Baby I don't know You must know That I once loved you so But now I know It's not the same way again Oh, no I can see that you come back to me But a love like yours that's grown so cold Can never burn again So I say And come what may I will never make the same mistake again Never again Baby never again
I never felt the need for a breakup song and though I've heard this many times before in my grandparents car as a kid, I feel this exact sentiment. I wish it would rain.
The Temptations - I Wish It Would Rain (1967)
Mantra: I will transmute my desire for love into art
I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art into art I will transmute my desire for love into art my art my love transmuted into my art my love I will transmute
I thought it was a safe space. I was terribly wrong
I was villianized by someone I loved for having emotions yet it was him who made a mountain out of a molehill. I asked if it was ok to tell him how I felt. He said it was yet as soon as he heard something he didn’t like all care, logic or understanding left the room. He has introduced a brand new trauma to me. I am still disturbed and full of shock and awe by how the whole thing went down. I don’t know what hurt most… Was it the total refusal of emotional safety? Was it the way he called me a victim for being genuinely shaken by his sharp turn in behavior? Was it the way love and care went out the window as soon as he got triggered? Triggered by something that wasn’t even accurate yet he refused to let go? Was it how hurtful and swift everything went to shit? How he apologized then contradicted that apology an hour later? Was it the way in times of misunderstanding, he is quick to anger then turns on me in one fail swoop? Where was the love? Where was the c...
You give and give and give until the giving is no longer good for anyone
I never expected such an end, evidently I’m the only one surprised. I cried about him to Josh I cried about him to my mother I cried about him to kendall and Izzy and ash They gave me a group hug at the dinner table and I shed tears. His words were so cutting and mean, I cried. They squeezed me harder I don’t know what I’m more heartbroken about…the way it happened or the finality of it. There are no more exchanges to be made. I never saw anything I lent him that I loved again. There is no way I could ever trust you with anything after all that was revealed Friday. Your cruelty. Your blaming. Your emotional whiplash. I’ve extended myself and been crucified. A new scar indeed. Joining the ranks of my father, Laurence and the other men who sniffed out my nurturing spirit then stomped me out to a smolder.
HAIKU (question from a young sister) by Sonia Sanchez
1. what's wrong with being freaky on a stage you a stone freak in yo skin 2. at least we up front about this freakdom we let it all hang out
Mantra for the weary
I am sure of myself as a person I am sure of myself as an artist I am sure of my talent I am sure of my ability to create and share love
Maybe its time to stop dreaming
I was the earth. The sitting rock on the coast of your crashing wave, the tree you smacked but never uprooted You were the crackle of a fire burning everything I brought to my secret spot We made love and hurricane was born Every stake I stuck in you was kicked right from under me. This did not discourage my efforts though many times it tried. I remade my staff—tediously, with tender hand and heart— just for the same unfortunate occurrence. It’s not even about love anymore. Unless you can match any level of my stability you must stay away from me. Stay far far from away from me. Allow me the chance to memorialize you I refuse to believe, no I declare I am not too much. I am not the problem. I am the same woman, not without my faults but perpetually honest except foolish in my earnestness…to run fast then slower then inch myself into the same stubborn wall as if you weren’t already there. Thank God I have a therapist
Dream 8.14 | Baggage
In this dream I Jordan and I met up with each other at a park table. He had a deep blue handbag with brown straps and I had a silver bag with brown straps completely identical besides color. We were ready to talk to each other and unpack things. Someone else was with us, a woman actually, but her presence felt more implied than real. Something spiritual Symbols: purses ~ to me this is the literal representation of baggage the color deep blue ~ emotional heaviness, intense introspection and sobering realizations the color silver ~ intuition, inner wisdom, moon wisdom and feminine energy and emotional reflection the color brown ~ grounding Interpretation: Jordan and I have emotional baggage that we are bringing to each other. We were there it seems to sort it out and put it on the table. Our baggage is similar and directly related to our relationship. He is still holding a lot of heaviness around it whereas mine is lighter and more realized. There is a spiritual feminine figure who ...
Dream 8.13 | Bobby's room
Bobby and friends came through to my place which was a freaking mess to make some music. I ran into them at a cafe or something, I think I had been in the city for just a little bit coming from Mexico which is accurate to real life. That was a huge reason as to why my place was a mess, I had unpacked sloppily (once again like real life) and clothes and supplies were everywhere. I invited them back to my place regardless, asked for a moment to shuffle some of the mess around and then let them in. There was music happening upstairs but it wasn't hitting so we made some from my place my apartment became a studio and people came immediately ready to dance and be present. It’s also worth noting my apartment was unlocked when I returned from Mexico in the dream.
Dream 8.13 | Wild Boars
I was in one place then took a quick helicopter trip to Hawaii from there. When I got to Hawaii I was on the white sand beach and a black boar spotted me. He couldn’t get his eyes off me and he wanted to interact. People were saying it was something I should fear or run away from because they’re dangerous. There was nowhere for me to run. When beachgoers tried to hold him back it was useless. I had to just prepare for what was coming which was a black boar holding my hand in his mouth. He surprisingly wasn’t hurting me. I could feel his teeth and saliva. He held my hand in his mouth gently but the sight was worth calling animal control because they showed up and snuck behind the boar to shock him with electricity so it let go. I gave the boar a soft warning beforehand. The shock was violent but it didn’t work for long. I got away but then he found me again somewhere else and clamped my hand in his mouth and then a white boar with black spots clamped the other one in its mouth...
It wasn't that the love was wrong, it was too good to be true.
Wyclef Jean on his relationship with Lauryn Hill
It appears to me that if you’re a young woman and you are not pretty you can dress yourself up and transform into fabulous. Fabulousity is universally understood and respected primarily amongst gays, creatives and intellectuals. Pretty’s advantage is that it allows you to be mute yet celebrated whereas fabulousity is an aura, a presence which takes more work to hone but is a viable alternative to prettiness. Concerning male attraction, pretty and fabulous work as inverses. Men gravitate to pretty which comes as a boost to them and to the pretty provider though it does have its pros and cons. Fabulousity challenges the spectator. If said spectator is unable to confront said challenge (typically the straight, insecure or unimaginative) they are repelled from fabulousity in search of something more comprehensible and forgiving. It is also worth mentioning pretty and fabulous are not mutually exclusive but one is definitively more celebratory of woman than the other.
This is the beginning of an essay
Aries moon vs Cancer moon
Aries moon is hot, direct and blazing with precision Aries moon needs to get that shit out its system Aries moon wants to kill the thing and if it’s dead already burn the remains for cathartic closure Cancer moon extinguishes the fire Cancer moon ruminates floating on its back in the ocean, face to the sky with a sense of openness and possibility Aries hates possibility because it’s not finite enough , moved by white emotion , reacting Cancer pauses witnesses settled In the final crash of a wave It’s never goodbye or good riddance But the embers are damp & the warmth has been sobered Damn. I will cry because it’s over and cry because it happened
If you don't get the genius, then you don't GET the genius. Simple as that.
What I mean is that if you don't understand the gift of what I am sharing then you don't receive the gift of what I am sharing. It's nothing I've missed out on.
Dream 1.29
I had sort of a sex dream and prophecy. Oiled up big black asses were shaking on an iPhone screen and nerdy white men were like in full masturbatory fetishization mode. I saw an opportunity.
I read my writing about you and this song plays in the back of my mind.
Forever - The Littler Dippers (1968) Hold me Kiss me Whisper sweetly That you love me Forever...
Greenflow - Every Single Time I Dream (1977)
I woke up so horny thinking of you. I even watched two of our old sex tapes. I deleted all our pictures when we separated for good. A few somehow slipped through the cracks along with those videos. Last night I was telling my friend about the dissolution of our relationship; about that summer; about how beautiful we were. She told me it was obvious we were really locked in and peaceful. She reminded me of how attractive you are and I had no photos to remind myself so when I went to sleep you popped up in my dream and I wanted your physicality.
Sunset time
Nature is the initiator Like attracts like Overlooking the desert, a young couple embrace each other She’s wearing a pleated emerald dress Short, long sleeved He holds her warmth & I’m jealous watching him stroke her backside ~Sunset time~ makes me horny Girls my age are getting married, fitting themselves for celebrations For some reason I shutter from the same despite my desire I'm not done living yet Still, in the face of majesty I am not immune I’ve memorized the texture of your hair follicles jet black in the eyes you blaze Burn a hole in me Throw a log in my fire Bailey's Nervous Kats, First Love (1962) Overlooking the desert A young couple embrace each other She’s wearing a pleated emerald dress short but long sleeved He holds her warmth & I’m jealous watching him stroke her backside Sunset time makes me horny instead of marveling at the sight a...