DiOSA

You reflected on a Friday that felt cursed from the jump: the bus missed you, the city felt over-policed, and you lost New York’s perfect sunset to a movie you liked but still resented missing. Then the oversold, deafening music night and the performative, controlling energy around you made you realize you’re done over-giving grace to people and spaces that drain you.

 All close to secular gospel as it gets

An excerpt from my morning pages today: It is refreshing to love someone. It is refreshing to have a new friend you really care about. It is a boost of life to share meals with someone you can cuddle next to afterwards. A breath of fresh air. That it was and it served its purpose. This heavy full moon can hold all those feelings I had in the past. It can hold all those wishes and struggles and force we put into making it work. It wasn't supposed to work. We met during a Venus and Mercury Retrograde. It wasn't supposed to last it was supposed to teach mutual lessons. It succeeded. 

 

   

I’m at a place where I can say thank you and feel gratitude for our karmic partnership.  We brought out so much in each other and although it wasn’t meant to be forever it served its purpose I think.  I need to channel my creative sexual erotic force into making. Making music and art and seeing the things I know are real. Making the sounds exist!!! You were always very supportive of that and I’m thankful.  I pulled these cards with my friends in this order Queen of Wands The Lovers King of Swords Obviously I have been thinking about you, feeling through this necessary separation.  Getting much better each day.  I am the Queen of Wands. Using my mind, body, spiritual intellect and earth magic to make things happen. The lovers on this card are separate but they face each other.  We are not one body we are two separate souls and entities. Off to our own thrones. King of Swords, authoritative and regal. No one can contest his right for his seat.  I always ...

 

This was sampled by Navy Blue I think. I am such an old soul for listening to these 60s tracks for healing. I'm no longer angry. I am just mourning. I can never hold you in my arms again. I can never kiss your face. I can never wake up to you or fall asleep to you. I can't have you. I'm living in the past of these moments in love.  "Living in the past is against what you present. Oh baby, live for now"

Where is the love that I felt for you So long ago? I don't know Baby I don't know You must know That I once loved you so But now I know It's not the same way again Oh, no I can see that you come back to me But a love like yours that's grown so cold Can never burn again So I say And come what may I will never make the same mistake again Never again Baby never again

 The Temptations - I Wish It Would Rain (1967)

I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art into art I will transmute my desire for love into art my art my love transmuted into my art my love I will transmute

  Why is it so hard to accept the party is over?     

I was villianized by someone I loved for having emotions yet it was him who made a mountain out of a molehill.  I asked if it was ok to tell him how I felt. He said it was yet as soon as he heard something he didn’t like all care, logic or understanding left the room.  He has introduced a brand new trauma to me. I am still disturbed and full of shock and awe by how the whole thing went down. I don’t know what hurt most… Was it the total refusal of emotional safety? Was it the way he called me a victim for being genuinely shaken by his sharp turn in behavior?  Was it the way love and care went out the window as soon as he got triggered? Triggered by something that wasn’t even accurate yet he refused to let go?  Was it how hurtful and swift everything went to shit? How he apologized then contradicted that apology an hour later? Was it the way in times of misunderstanding, he is quick to anger then turns on me in one fail swoop?  Where was the love? Where was the c...

I never expected such an end, evidently I’m the only one surprised.  I cried about him to Josh I cried about him to my mother  I cried about him to kendall and Izzy and ash  They gave me a group hug at the dinner table and I shed tears. His words were so cutting and mean, I cried. They squeezed me harder I don’t know what I’m more heartbroken about…the way it happened or the finality of it. There are no more exchanges to be made. I never saw anything I lent him that I loved again.  There is no way I could ever trust you with anything after all that was revealed Friday. Your cruelty. Your blaming. Your emotional whiplash. I’ve extended myself and been crucified. A new scar indeed. Joining the ranks of my father, Laurence and the other men who sniffed out my nurturing spirit then stomped me out to a smolder. 

 1. what's wrong with being      freaky on a stage you a stone     freak in yo skin   2. at least we up front     about this freakdom     we let it all hang out