DiOSA

  People say "you had to be there" but to be a teenager in Chicago in the early 2010s you just had to be there to know the momentum and omnipresence of Chance the Rapper and his mixtapes. 10 Day never got a huge amount of air play out of me but Acid Rap was just 100% the sound of the city from the Southside suburbs to Westside hoods. The cover art alone is so nostalgic for me. This was the sexiest song to me when I was 15. Takes me right back to first period freshmen year of high school; sitting in the chair attached to my desk daydreaming....

pull up on me if u wanna get cozy 

   Pharaoh Sanders - Harvest Time (1977)

I've been taking this pattern making course at FIT the Fashion Institute of Technology. The class was a birthday gift to myself costing $380 for 4 three hour long classes. A month of showing up being extremely present and learning the fundamentals of a complex craft. My teacher is very strict and extremely blunt. If you're not doing it right it will be noticed and remarked upon. I took this class because I wanted to know the basics of making patterns for clothes. I have reverence for the craft. Naturally, this was going to be a challenge because the technical side of making has never been my strong suit. For reference I cannot cut a straight line and I quit sewing class at Parsons after the first lesson because I could not sew a basic stitch. Intuitiveness and non-perfection is what makes my work work. I have no Virgo placements. I am air and fire baby--swirling, conjuring and magician-ing.  Yesterday I had no gas in the tank after a long but successful day at work. I put a lot...

  One of my Chinese coworkers said she doesn't really find Black men to be her type but she saw one she found very cute. Tell me why she said he looked like Donald Glover lmao.  Asian women 🤝 Childish Gambino 

  Can't say I'm a fan of Logic by any measure (no shade) but this song has always fucking SLAPPED. Unreleased, Soundcloud 2010's this was the moment for me. That Adele sample is delicious. Bravo

 

  This video is forever printed in my mind because 1) it was the very first thing I watched on my TV after returning from Mexico City 2) HOTTTTTTT AFFFF omfg 3) Indiana420 directed it and I love when he does rap girl videos (see Ran Out by JT) 

  Produced by Tony Seltzer <3333 + Mikey Fleece

 

You reflected on a Friday that felt cursed from the jump: the bus missed you, the city felt over-policed, and you lost New York’s perfect sunset to a movie you liked but still resented missing. Then the oversold, deafening music night and the performative, controlling energy around you made you realize you’re done over-giving grace to people and spaces that drain you.

 All close to secular gospel as it gets

An excerpt from my morning pages today: It is refreshing to love someone. It is refreshing to have a new friend you really care about. It is a boost of life to share meals with someone you can cuddle next to afterwards. A breath of fresh air. That it was and it served its purpose. This heavy full moon can hold all those feelings I had in the past. It can hold all those wishes and struggles and force we put into making it work. It wasn't supposed to work. We met during a Venus and Mercury Retrograde. It wasn't supposed to last it was supposed to teach mutual lessons. It succeeded. 

 

   

I’m at a place where I can say thank you and feel gratitude for our karmic partnership.  We brought out so much in each other and although it wasn’t meant to be forever it served its purpose I think.  I need to channel my creative sexual erotic force into making. Making music and art and seeing the things I know are real. Making the sounds exist!!! You were always very supportive of that and I’m thankful.  I pulled these cards with my friends in this order Queen of Wands The Lovers King of Swords Obviously I have been thinking about you, feeling through this necessary separation.  Getting much better each day.  I am the Queen of Wands. Using my mind, body, spiritual intellect and earth magic to make things happen. The lovers on this card are separate but they face each other.  We are not one body we are two separate souls and entities. Off to our own thrones. King of Swords, authoritative and regal. No one can contest his right for his seat.  I always ...

 

This was sampled by Navy Blue I think. I am such an old soul for listening to these 60s tracks for healing. I'm no longer angry. I am just mourning. I can never hold you in my arms again. I can never kiss your face. I can never wake up to you or fall asleep to you. I can't have you. I'm living in the past of these moments in love.  "Living in the past is against what you present. Oh baby, live for now"

Where is the love that I felt for you So long ago? I don't know Baby I don't know You must know That I once loved you so But now I know It's not the same way again Oh, no I can see that you come back to me But a love like yours that's grown so cold Can never burn again So I say And come what may I will never make the same mistake again Never again Baby never again

 The Temptations - I Wish It Would Rain (1967)

I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art I will transmute my desire for love into art into art I will transmute my desire for love into art my art my love transmuted into my art my love I will transmute

  Why is it so hard to accept the party is over?     

I was villianized by someone I loved for having emotions yet it was him who made a mountain out of a molehill.  I asked if it was ok to tell him how I felt. He said it was yet as soon as he heard something he didn’t like all care, logic or understanding left the room.  He has introduced a brand new trauma to me. I am still disturbed and full of shock and awe by how the whole thing went down. I don’t know what hurt most… Was it the total refusal of emotional safety? Was it the way he called me a victim for being genuinely shaken by his sharp turn in behavior?  Was it the way love and care went out the window as soon as he got triggered? Triggered by something that wasn’t even accurate yet he refused to let go?  Was it how hurtful and swift everything went to shit? How he apologized then contradicted that apology an hour later? Was it the way in times of misunderstanding, he is quick to anger then turns on me in one fail swoop?  Where was the love? Where was the c...

I never expected such an end, evidently I’m the only one surprised.  I cried about him to Josh I cried about him to my mother  I cried about him to kendall and Izzy and ash  They gave me a group hug at the dinner table and I shed tears. His words were so cutting and mean, I cried. They squeezed me harder I don’t know what I’m more heartbroken about…the way it happened or the finality of it. There are no more exchanges to be made. I never saw anything I lent him that I loved again.  There is no way I could ever trust you with anything after all that was revealed Friday. Your cruelty. Your blaming. Your emotional whiplash. I’ve extended myself and been crucified. A new scar indeed. Joining the ranks of my father, Laurence and the other men who sniffed out my nurturing spirit then stomped me out to a smolder. 

 1. what's wrong with being      freaky on a stage you a stone     freak in yo skin   2. at least we up front     about this freakdom     we let it all hang out

I am sure of myself as a person I am sure of myself as an artist I am sure of my talent  I am sure of my ability to create and share love

Fuck all this shit genuinely 

 Gotta be the eclipse man

 <3 so happy 

I was the earth.  The sitting rock on the coast of your crashing wave, the tree you smacked but never uprooted You were the crackle of a fire  burning everything  I brought to my secret spot We made love and hurricane was born Every stake I stuck in you was kicked right from under me.  This did not discourage my efforts though many times it tried. I remade my staff—tediously, with tender hand and heart— just for the same unfortunate occurrence.  It’s not even about love anymore. Unless you can match any level of my stability you must stay away from me.  Stay far far from away from me.  Allow me the chance to memorialize you  I refuse to believe, no I declare I am not too much. I am not the problem.  I am the same woman, not without my faults but perpetually honest except  foolish in my earnestness…to run fast then slower then inch myself into the same stubborn wall as if you weren’t already there.  Thank God I have a therapist

In this dream I Jordan and I met up with each other at a park table. He had a deep blue handbag with brown straps and I had a silver bag with brown straps completely identical besides color. We were ready to talk to each other and unpack things. Someone else was with us, a woman actually, but her presence felt more implied than real. Something spiritual Symbols: purses ~ to me this is the literal representation of baggage the color deep blue ~ emotional heaviness, intense introspection and sobering realizations the color silver ~ intuition, inner wisdom, moon wisdom and feminine energy and emotional reflection the color brown ~ grounding  Interpretation: Jordan and I have emotional baggage that we are bringing to each other. We were there it seems to sort it out and put it on the table. Our baggage is similar and directly related to our relationship. He is still holding a lot of heaviness around it whereas mine is lighter and more realized. There is a spiritual feminine figure who ...

Bobby and friends came through to my place which was a freaking mess to make some music. I ran into them at a cafe or something, I think I had been in the city for just a little bit coming from Mexico which is accurate to real life. That was a huge reason as to why my place was a mess, I had unpacked sloppily (once again like real life) and clothes and supplies were everywhere. I invited them back to my place regardless, asked for a moment to shuffle some of the mess around and then let them in. There was music happening upstairs but it wasn't hitting so we made some from my place my apartment became a studio and people came immediately ready to dance and be present. It’s also worth noting my apartment was unlocked when I returned from Mexico in the dream. 

I was in one place then took a quick helicopter trip to Hawaii from there. When I got to Hawaii I was on the white sand beach and a black boar spotted me. He couldn’t get his eyes off me and he wanted to interact. People were saying it was something I should fear or run away from because they’re dangerous. There was nowhere for me to run. When beachgoers tried to hold him back it was useless. I had to just prepare for what was coming which was a black boar holding my hand in his mouth. He surprisingly wasn’t hurting me. I could feel his teeth and saliva.  He held my hand in his mouth gently but the sight was worth calling animal control because they showed up and snuck behind the boar to shock him with electricity so it let go. I gave the boar a soft warning beforehand. The shock was violent but it didn’t work for long. I got away but then he found me again somewhere else and clamped my hand in his mouth and then a white boar with black spots clamped the other one in its mouth...

 Get it or get lost 

Wyclef Jean on his relationship with Lauryn Hill 

This is the beginning of an essay

Aries moon is hot, direct and blazing with precision Aries moon needs to get that shit out its system  Aries moon wants to kill the thing and if it’s dead already burn the remains for cathartic closure Cancer moon extinguishes the fire Cancer moon ruminates  floating on its back in the ocean,  face to the sky with a sense of openness and possibility  Aries hates possibility because it’s not finite enough , moved by white emotion , reacting Cancer pauses witnesses  settled In the final crash of a wave  It’s never goodbye or good riddance  But the embers are damp & the warmth has been sobered Damn.  I will cry because it’s over and cry because it happened