Dream 12.26

I was in New York but in a hotel. I was walking to this food hall called Delancey Market. I was getting blessed with free food like pizza and fries. I was walking back to my apartment eating the slice and it was delicious. Then a raggedy mob of white guys stopped to tell me I couldn't eat on the streets between certain hours. They were incel presenting but somehow I knew they were gay? I was like yeah, WHATEVER and kept going then Adam came out of nowhere and was like they’re right and I was like um what. I went to challenge them and then realized the leader who was a fat greasy white boy acting like a hall monitor was wearing a neo nazi shirt with text on it. It was unwise to challenge them alone so I just went back to my apartment. My security in the apartment was operations team from my school. So I told them the foolishness. It was starting, in my spirit, to become obvious that this was the Trump America and it was becoming more fascist and we would really have to step up if we didn’t want to become completely policed by any random white dude on the street.

In the second section of the dream I went upstairs to my unit but it was actually the childhood room I’m sleeping in now. It was messy but Ryan was there visiting. I told him about the incident and we were having our usual banter. He was sort of teasing me after a long break of not seeing each other telling me how his wife and Jason felt bad for me because I had fallen in love with him and he turned me down. Clearly that didn’t happen that way but I chose not to hide my earnestness when I said yeah I loved you and yeah it was hard to get over but I didn’t hide from it and that’s that. (Of course I’m reminded this is one of his coping mechanisms…punching down on someone or something and acting rude or detached to mask his desire to express his sadness or true feelings on an issue so he does not expose himself) I understand now he must have told his wife about us but said it in a way that exonerates him and makes me look like the lovelorn young girl who just doesn’t understand. Nevertheless he was there in my room talking to me. I was bitching about the pizza on the street thing and it felt like old times when we could give our personal commentary and know we understood each other. My room was a mess. There were used tissues on the bed, on the floor, etc. Regardless, I was trying to tidy while he was there and sorta trying to hide him from my mom but ok with her knowing he was there if she saw him. She heard me talking to him and was okay with everything but instructed me to clean up the tissues. There were tissues everywhere. She was cool and kind to him which I didn't fully expect. She just wanted me to provide a clean space for my guest. At one point in the dream Ryan FaceTimed his son who had come back from a field trip in Athens. His son was being moody and did not want to speak to me at all. It was rude but I understood. Ryan seemed to have missed me and was subtly trying to gauge my interest in interacting with him again while also being upfront about the fact his wife knew.